Penguin Random House has earned publishing rights to books by former President Barack Obama and the former first lady Michelle Obama. Multiple publishers vied for the rights and the bidding reached 8 figures.

SCROTUS immediately tweeted “I got a better book deal and I didn’t even have to write it! How can he write with those hands, they’re so small. Sad”

He went on to say, “Random House is a failing publisher bigly, I’ve heard the publishers are not sending their best editors to do the work. They’re bringing drugs, they bring crime, they’re rapists and some, I assume….Uh, where was I? Oh yes, the books.

I can’t believe the Obamas reached 8 figures. I reached 8 figures during the last beauty contest. No one complained. No one went to court.”

But really, books are for losers. Who has time to read when you’re running a lot business’s, Tweeting, organizing commerce in the free world, aggravating your countries neighbors, eviscerating clean air and clean water legislation, dumbing down public education and moving that money to private schools who aren’t constrained by the same rules, Issuing an illegal and ill-conceived ban  to keep Muslims out of the country, bragging about non-existent accomplishments, lying about popular vote totals, confusing the courts nationwide with ‘executive orders’ that have no basis in operable law, riding herd on a nascent administration leaking like a sieve and on shaky legal ground with cabinet appointments, waging a war on objective reality, declaring the free press ‘Enemies of the People’ and proclaiming ‘alternate facts’.

So who’s got time to read?