Spring break Miami Beach became tamer, lamer and where’s the disclaimer? Apparently, the city fathers (and mothers) have had it with college kids having a little too much fun. To wit: a marketing campaign released prior to the spring break beach blow-out exclaimed “Come on vacation, don’t leave on probation”. Yeah, that’ll send a stern message to the kids. “We don’t want a circus out there” said Miami Beach Commissioner Mark Samuelian who wanted to keep the circus contained to City Hall.
Why all the commotion? Students from around the country need to escape their college binge drinking, excessive frat partying and helicopter parenting to travel to Miami and enjoy some binge drinking and partying without a chaperone.
Whoa! Too many out-of-control parties say the city commission, and proceeded to lay out a few ground rules for the unruly.
OK kids, here it is. Yeah, you can come and party but there’s a curfew which will be enforced or you’ll see some double secret probation ala the Animal House’s Delta fraternity at Faber College for the criminally fun-loving. If and when a student breaks curfew they’ll be automatically signed up for a 7AM Easter egg roll on the sand and if that weren’t bad enough, the results will be sent to their frat-house. They will also be enrolled in a drug study at the U of M but they’ll be given placebos instead of the real thing. A strict limit of 12 to a room will be enforced and anyone going over that limit will be forced to do the laundry of their entire floor before they leave for home.
Also, students who dine at virtually any restaurant on Miami Beach will be forced to eat every bite of the vegetables on their plate. And if that’s not enough the police will not utilize their flashing lights because spring breakers have said the lights add a new dimension to the drugs they purchase. Have fun and we’ll (not) see you next year!