The president is fighting a mild case of acid reflux according to the White House physician.
“It’s not from what he eats”, Press Secretary Josh Earnest laughed,” it’s probably from the BS the Republicans are trying to make him swallow. Generally, the primary cause is a faulty valve between the stomach and the esophagus. In this case it’s a faulty valve between the Speaker of the House’s mouth and his brain.”
Earnest, in his most candid press conference to date, mentioned the President’s diet included greens from the White House vegetable garden. “And it’s not true that we caught John Boehner peeing all over the collards and the chard,” he laughed.
“A fast acting natural remedy would be to deport Boehner to the people with orange skin planet. I think he’s been chomping too many carrots.”
Upcoming Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell chimed in, “For the last 6 years we’ve been telling him that even though he’s the President, he shouldn’t make decisions that affect America or its people. Now he’s trying to tell them he’s got the same problem that many Americans have. He’s just not like us! The American people will not stand for a President who claims to be like them.
He didn’t ask us to tell the American people that he’s got acid reflux. He used executive privilege and bypassed us entirely. The way I see it, he’s well on his way to political oblivion if he decides to run in 2016.”
When reminded that Presidents are limited to 2 terms in office, a red faced McConnell wheezed, “Not if I can help it” before he was hustled away by aides.
With the implementation of the ACA, Obama found that he was not covered for acid reflux and had to appeal to the Astrazeneca assistance program for help with some free Nexium. “I wish I could get some free Nicorette gum” he said. “With the pressure around here, I’ve been chewing the hell out of it.”
The President traveled by motorcade to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. According to a press aide, he didn’t wait in the doctor’s office, didn’t fill out 4 pages of forms and had no co-pay. “Where did he think he was, in Canada,” said Ted Cruz (R-TX)