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The ‘Joint Select Committee on How to Better Manipulate Public Opinion for the Passage of the American health Care Act’ (JSCHBMPPAHCA) has been operating ‘behind closed doors’ as it tries to break a deadlock between its 6 Democrat and 6 Republican members. We have obtained, with great risk to their credibility, a copy of the minutes of its last meeting.
8:30 AM By prior agreement, the meeting is called to order simultaneously by the committee co-chairs. Although partisanship was the ultimate goal, a debate breaks out as to the actual time it was called. Watches are then synchronized for tomorrow’s meeting, marking the only time in many years that members are in full agreement.
8:40 A joke about the use of the word ‘Joint’ in the committee’s name is brought up for discussion in reference certain drug usage. After half-hearted denials of usage by most members, a vote is taken to eliminate the word. It is agreed that any members who have been busted for more than 4 ounces of pot will abstain from voting.
9:01 Vote called to see who sits on right and who sits on left side of table. Republicans object to seats ‘anywhere near the middle of anything’.
9:10 Discussion on seating ends with members pouting openly. Ultimately, they arrange to seat themselves by the ‘NOPL’ (Number of Personal Lobbyists) standard.
9:15 Discussion on which day would work best for a ‘Bring your lobbyist to work day’. In a rare show of solidarity, it was decided that every day that ended in a ‘Y’ would be the choice.
9:25 All members who are older than 60, move to include at least 6 ‘potty breaks’ a day. A vote is taken and a sub-committee is appointed to study the funding of a sound system to be installed in the bathroom so that members do not miss any of the ‘valuable discussion’.
9:45 Mid-morning break is sponsored by the Pharmaceutical Company of America. Various drugs are liberally distributed to all members.
10:00 Democrats object to a republican member using the trash can on the Democratic side of the table to throw out crumpled notes. Arguments ensue on both sides of the issue. A vote is taken to not take notes and ‘simply remember’ what was said.
10:15 After much deliberation from both sides and with input from the Tobacco lobbyist, the committee decides that the Congressional snack machines replace fresh fruit with Marlboros.
11:50 Discussion over which lobbyist buys lunch. The majority agreement is that they all do.
12 noon: Lunch brought in by part time, non-union, servers funded in part by a Federal grant to explore the feasibility of expanding the USDA food pyramid for elected officials to include Foie Gras De Canard, Matsutake mushrooms and Beluga Caviar.
2PM meeting re-convened
2:02 A Republican proposal is brought to the table to determine if health care is actually needed. When told it is, they proposed a measure would offer individuals refundable tax credits whether they could afford it or not, to purchase health insurance at vastly increased rates and restructure the country’s Medicaid program so that states receive a set amount of money based on their LPMP (Lobbyist per million persons)ratio from the federal government every year. If the LPMP falls below a specified amount to be determined they’ll outsource healthcare to the Bahamas. End of story.
3PM meeting adjourned