Congress, with historically low public approval ratings, has convened to address the situation.
The ‘Joint Select Committee on How to Better Manipulate Public Opinion’ (JSCHBMPO) has been operating ‘behind closed doors’ as it tries to break a deadlock between its 6 Democrat and 6 Republican members. If the committee cannot decide on how to bring their numbers up, then, in anger, 1.5 trillion dollars will summarily be cut from programs that do not reach the level of having at least 28 lobbyists per billion. (LPB)
We have obtained, with great risk to their credibility, a copy of the minutes of its last meeting.
8:30 AM By prior agreement, the meeting is called to order simultaneously by the committee co-chairs. Although partisanship was the ultimate goal, a debate breaks out as to the actual time it was called. Watches are then synchronized for tomorrow’s meeting, marking the only time in 2 years that members are in full agreement.
8:40 A joke about the use of the word ‘Joint’ in the committee’s name is brought up for discussion in reference certain drug usage. After half-hearted denials of usage by most members, a vote is taken to eliminate the word. It is agreed that any members who have been busted for more than 4 ounces of pot will abstain from voting.
9:01 Vote called to see who sits on right and who sits on left side of table. Republicans object to seats ‘anywhere near the middle of anything’ and refuse to vote.
9:10 Discussion on seating ends with members pouting openly. Ultimately, they arrange to seat themselves by ‘length of service’ with the longest serving members facing the window in the morning to see the sun rise with a complete reversal of seating after lunch so the members with the least time in Congress can see the shadows of the Cherry blossom trees as the sun sets.
9:15 Discussion on which day would work best for a ‘Bring your lobbyist to work day’. In a rare show of solidarity, it was decided that every day that ended in a ‘Y’ would be the choice.
9:25 All members who are older than 60, move to include at least 6 ‘potty breaks’ a day. The youngest members object A vote is taken and a sub-committee is appointed to study the funding of a sound system to be installed in the bathroom so that members do not miss any of the ‘valuable discussion’.
9:45 The mid-morning break is sponsored by the Pharmaceutical Company of America (PCA). Various drugs are liberally distributed to all members.
10:00 Democrats object to a republican member using the trash can on the Democratic side of the table to throw out crumpled notes. Arguments ensue on both sides of the issue. A vote is taken to not take notes and ‘simply remember’ what was said.
10:15 After much deliberation from both sides the committee decides that the snack machines in the Senate waiting room must contain 50% from Democratic majority States and 50% Republican.
11:50 Discussion over which lobbyist buys lunch. The majority agreement is that they all do.
12 noon: Lunch brought in by part time, non-union, servers funded in part by a Federal grant to explore the feasibility of expanding the USDA food pyramid for elected officials to include Foie Gras De Canard, Matsutake mushrooms and Beluga Caviar.
2PM meeting re-convened
2:02 A Republican proposal is brought to the table to raise revenue by selling public assets in order to grow the economy. A fight breaks out over which member gets the right to award the contract to move the dam overseas.
2:30 Hoover Dam is re-named Chiang Guy Shin Dam in honor of the broker for the project.
3PM meeting adjourned
