“These will be the Olympic games you will remember” intoned Vladimir Putin “Try not to think about the lack of potable water, no door knobs and stray dogs in your room, the Russian people love you!

By the way, there’s no truth to the rumor that we embedded chips that monitor clandestine activity in those stray dogs adopted by Olympic athletes.

And not one gay person was arrested and forced to do hard labor for their crime in two weeks! Two weeks! That’s an eternity!

We are, however, investigating the fact that the costumes worn by our skaters were produced by artistic people who wear flamboyant clothing.

Although I love the music of Pussy Riot, I can’t listen to them unless I’m in my private underground torture chamber. Those secret police are so intrusive!

We spent 50 billion dollars and created dozens of jobs, a few kilometers of new roadway, 12 ultra-modern performance spaces that will ultimately be used for storage and some well-connected citizens with an extra billion in their pocket.

And which of my friends can’t use an extra billion or two?

We helped expand the Olympic Games to include some new categories. I’m posting pictures of the winners here.

Love, Vladimir.