Tourists are people who want to get away from their day to day existence and experience a different more expensive day to day existence. Let’s welcome them and their wallets to sunny South Florida!

To our tourists:

You’re welcome to all we have to offer, including the traffic you brought with you.

Get ready for sunny days and drink filled nights of adventure and thrills especially on I-95.

Don’t get us wrong we’re basically happy residents. We’re happy you’re here and we’ll be happy to see you go.

Here are some tourist guidelines to help make your stay a memorable one.

To enjoy us 24/7 drinks lots of, and repeat after me, cafecito and cortadito. The drinks that never let you say, “I’m tired, just drop me off at the hotel” If you’re used to paying $4.95 for a Starbucks Latte Grande, just see what a tiny cup of Café Cubano will do for that mid-afternoon slump.

Also, don’t bring Sweet and Low, Stevia, Trulia or Splendia because you’ll get a huge rush when you see the amount of sugar going into the mix. Yes, whether you’re used to metric or avoirdupois, it’ll be half of an American pound of pure cane sugar and it’s spreading through your system faster than a Justin Bieber sighting on social media.

Science fact: A half-pound of sugar can dissolve into a tiny cup of ‘Cuban speed’ and never be seen again.

If you want to enjoy the taste for a few hours, don’t chase it with the optional water. In fact the best mid-afternoon pick me up in town is a brown bag of 10 for a dollar churros and a cafecito. Remember to support our local street vendors, but no matter how attractive their story, don’t buy a mutual fund from them.

Take out your snowbird checklist and see if you have your SPF 784. Don’t worry; the white goop will not identify you as a tourist; your black socks and shorts will. Did you bring flip flops? What about children, did you remember to bring the children?

Get a ‘map of the stars’ and see where Sonny Crockett used to hang. Don’t worry if everyone you ask says “Who?” It’s a black tuxedo out there and you’re a pair of brown shoes.

Enjoy the local dishes. Anything with eyes is good to eat if it has been boiled in oil for at least ten minutes.

On South Beach, pay more for one drink than you pay for a whole bottle up North. You may not be able to get into any ‘chic’ or ‘trendy’ spots but that’s not because you tried to give the doorman two dollars. Chalk it up to the way you dress.

Don’t worry if it rains and the power goes out. Remember, you’re in the tropics and these things happen. Pretend you’re on a small island in the Caribbean, and soon you’ll get back to the civilization you know and trust.

Remember these things and we’ll see you next year same time, same hotel, higher rates.