Japan sends us sushi, autos and a means to eat the poisonous Fugu blow-fish, but now they’ve gone too far! Forget for a moment that we’re having a helluva year. Are you sitting down? If you are, you won’t get stung on the butt. There is a new menace on the horizon as if we haven’t been pummeled enough lately. It’s a flying insect, a large wasp known as a murder hornet and it’s making its way into the U.S. for the first time. Last summer, a nest of the bugs was found in a town on Vancouver Island in Canada. They flew into Washington State, got drenched and wanted to go back but the colony’s Queen said, “There’s plenty of people to scare and puncture so turn around” Then, a hornet was apprehended using a phony Canadian passport. We knew they were going to be trouble.
According to The New York Times, the Asian giant hornet, Vespa Mandarinia, or ‘Orange motor-bike’ has been known to kill up to 50 people a year in Japan. They’re fierce! A gang of 6 murder hornets overtook a Chevy Volt near Seattle and shook the driver down for some honey he had just purchased. Yes, they have a keen sense of smell too. The wasps were given the name murder hornets. That’s when the social media ‘buzz’ picked up. If they were called almost anything else, no one would put up a fuss. They objected to being called that, hired a PETA lawyer versed in insect legalities and approached the court as the injured party. They have not reached the Sunshine State but if you see a flock of them attempting to use a Groupon to purchase train tickets south, call a cop or someone from the entomology department. We think they have a wingspan of 3 inches. No one has the guts to measure a live one. Even beekeeping suits cannot protect against the hornets’ stingers, which are longer and more dangerous than a bee. They have been known to puncture the tires of entomologists studying them in the wild.
Washington State University’s Department of Entomology, said the hornets are “like something out of a monster cartoon with this huge yellow-orange face.” They sometimes wear T-shirts with the slogan My parents went to Japan and all I got was irradiated at Fukushima. Scientists say the Asian giant hornet’s life cycle begins in April when the queen wakes up from hibernation and demands to know why they let her sleep so long.
If these predators actually arrive in Florida what would wedo? We shouldn’t tackle this by ourselves, it’s too dangerous. We should call the one person who has given us more publicity and laughs than anyone else; Florida Man! Florida Man would take charge of the situation and proceed to do the things that would distract the beasts and render them helpless with laughter. While they’re rolling on the floor helpless, STOMP!
Having mentioned Florida Man here’s what he would really do. He would spring into action and start training and equipping our ubiquitous flying cockroaches with tiny cans of Raid®, train them to group together and fly around the Georgia border as our first line of defense. If that doesn’t work our fall-back position would be a sign on the border that says No Vacancy.
On their website Washington State University says that the hornets do not typically go after humans, but if they do, RUN, RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!
But before you run…… If they decide to fly here for the sun, the sand and the flesh they’ll have a problem crossing the altitudes over the Rockies. In that case cooler hornet heads will prevail and they’ll just hop on a plane. The frequent flyer miles they received coming from Japan will suffice. The flight will have plenty of room, and the hornets will not be as disturbing as a child kicking your seat! Problem solved?