New theme parks proposed for 120 acres of vacant land in and around Zoo Miami in South Dade.
The proposals are under a so-called ‘cone of silence’ designed to bar lobbying during consideration. No one knows the details except for a handful of county employees and hundreds of lobbyists.
“We’re looking for ideas and for interested parties in developing some kind of theme park, movie studio, or whatever, down around the zoo area,” says a Miami-Dade County Commission press release.
A lobbyist familiar with the proposals says, “A number of commissioners have children ready to attend college and some who need braces so we’ll need another ‘revenue stream’ to help them out. A major land development would help do just that.”
But instead of asking outsiders to come in with their hackneyed ideas, why can’t we create the attractions based on our own experiences right here at home?
We need rides and venues that are familiar to us.
The Mad Hatters Tea Party ride. While you spin around in a giant teacup, slogans are shouted at you by older white people with misspelled signs. The slogans are then reviewed by PHD’s and are proven to be nothing but empty rhetoric with no ‘upside’. In other words, it’s the same as getting a lecture when you come home late and are drunk. You’ve been shouted at and are just a little dizzy.
The Skim-O-Meter. Like a giant ‘Plinko’ game from ‘The Price is Right’ you drop a proposal for a public housing or redevelopment project down the chute. On a big screen you watch as it goes through too many hands to count. In the end most of the money has been siphoned through various dummy corporations, agencies and relatives bank accounts.
Does the original concept of a 400 family housing project materialize or do we see another empty lot with a tattered sign that says ‘Coming soon’. The size of your take home prize is commensurate with the number of people you know at city hall.
126 Flags over Miami Carousel. This multi-cultural themed ride will test your knowledge of foreign languages. As the carousel revolves, a teacher will ask a simple question such as ‘¿Donde esta el bano.’ If you can answer the question in 4 different languages as you pass the checkpoint, you may exit the ride.
The 13 Dwarfs Mine Train. You’re taken on a journey through a typical county commission agenda and must match up the proposals with the relevant commissioner. If you fail, your mine car starts the descent into the ‘Shaft of Public Unconsciousness’ and you’re dropped from the voting rolls without your knowledge.
The Mega Tax-A-Coaster. As you strap yourself in and open your proposed taxes for this year, the virtual roller coaster ride allows you to experience taxes as they go higher and higher with just a few slight dips. As you exit the ride you realize, as in real life, that nothing much has been accomplished and you were simply, ‘taken for another ride.’
