An armed intruder jumped the White House fence and made it into the home of the President.

The perpetrator ran past the valet service through the front door, reached the East Room and then utilized the Nixon Bathroom adjacent to the Blue Room. Quoting a line from ‘Ace Ventura’ an agent wheezed “Do not go in there!” after exiting quickly. “We’re still bagging the evidence.”

The intruder was stopped by a counter-assault agent after he reached the doorway to the Green Room and was asked a security question which he answered correctly. He was then given access to the press briefing room where he held a quick press conference and subsequently ran back and forth through the corridors like a broken field runner

After being timed in 4.8 seconds in the hundred yards from the press room to the East Room he was approached by the Miami Dolphins shortly after being booked into the Washington DC jail.

“This guy was amazing’ stated Jim ‘Jimmy’ Rafalowitz, a Presidential guard, “We found out later he was also taking notes on the Presidential paintings for his ‘art appreciation class at Spiro Agnew community College.

“He didn’t fit the intruder profile” said Secret Service agent Claude Filfinger, “but since he was able to scale the fence and get to the front door so quickly, we asked him to join our cross country running team. We hope he doesn’t have any outstanding warrants or felonies. Hey, even if he does maybe he can run with one of those clunky ankle things.”

As a precaution, the guarded perimeter of the White House was moved out to the Potomac River on the west and Annapolis, Maryland to the east. Tourists will be loaned binoculars so they can see the top of the famous building, but just barely.

In a White House press release, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson will now be head of security for ‘Blue’, Nancy Pelosi’s dog.