The Secret Service wants to spend $8 million to build a duplicate White House in Beltsville, Md. for training purposes. The House Appropriations Committee heard testimony from Joseph Clancy, the Director of the Secret Service, urging lawmakers to give him money to fund a detailed replica of the White House to aid in training officers and agents to protect the real thing.
It would mimic the facade of the White House, the East and West Wings, guard booths, and the surrounding grounds. When asked ‘why they can’t utilize the actual White House grounds for training’ he said, “That might confuse the agents and we don’t want any government gardeners shot on sight.”
It would provide what Clancy describes as a “more realistic environment, conducive to scenario-based training exercises, and we can use real bullets and shoot the place up if we have to. That will be a ‘plus’ for agents who have never fired their weapon.
We can’t legally drink on duty at the current White House either, so this will give Federal agents a little breathing room, although not into a breathalizer”, he quipped.
“Sometimes they’re so hammered they stop the president’s daughters and ask for ID. But those kids are growing up so fast we can’t remember what they look like” said a contrite Clancy.
Six months ago, an intruder climbed over the White House fence and ran inside the facility while brandishing a knife. “We thought he was the chef” said an un-named agent. “He was yelling about serving up a dish they won’t forget”
Rep. Steve Cohen, D-Tenn., joked about a proposed a moat surrounding the White House to supplement the existing fence but was rebuffed by Clancy when he said “That would require we train our agents to swim.”
“If we get to build it ‘full scale’ we can turn it over to the Department of the Interior for use as a theme park on weekends. This would also serve to ‘give some relief’ to overworked White House tour guides by diverting tourists to the faux facility. Foreigners will never know it wasn’t the real one. We can hire look-alikes for the President and first Lady”.
