Where can you go to not only have fun but ‘pal around’ with your fellow Americans?
Theme parks!

Actually you don’t have to rub elbows with the great ‘unwashed masses’ anymore!

Universal Studios Hollywood has introduced a $299 V.I.P. ticket with special access perks. It includes valet parking, breakfast in a luxury lounge, special access to Universal’s back lot, unlimited line-skipping and a fancy lunch.

Here’s where the satire kicks in.

Why stop there. On the Palm Beach horizon the wealthy may want to go for the deluxe V.I.P experience.

For $2499 a ticket they’ll chauffer you to the front gate where a first tier costumed character gives you a personal tour in your own golf cart. A top shelf picnic basket awaits you at any restaurant of your choice while a musician skilled in whatever instrument you choose serenades you in between rides. A valet caters to your children’s every whim while you ‘float’ above the fray.

But wait, there’s more.

With the $19,999 per person ‘Ultra’ package you ‘chopper’ into the center of the park in a $5 million dollar Eurocopter Hermès EC 135 helicopter and are escorted to an Audi TTS convertible for that tour of the most popular rides.

You choose your itinerary while you enjoy at a corner table with a commanding view of the park. You’re served by the theme park manager’s son, a recent graduate of ‘Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts’.
A string quartet comprised of 6 year old Chinese prodigies enriches you with a playlist from Broadway to Beethoven. In between rides your children are distracted from their video games by a live production of Peter Pan by an off Broadway cast of union actors.

For a mere $34,999 per person, you receive amenities commensurate with your station in life.
Only a privileged few will revel in their over-flight of the park in a luxurious hot air balloon with an astronaut at the helm while they pick and choose their attractions.
Is it a clever animatronic or actually Walt Disney who has been ‘de-iced’ and brought back for the honor of escorting you for your tour?
You will be surrounded by 4 private guards and whisked through your personal event while ordinary people will be made to ‘make way’ and hide their heads in paper bags so you will be spared the ‘agony’ of seeing them in their pedestrian commonness.
Emeril Lagasse will scour the forests of France for the best truffles and wines to serve at your gourmet dining experience while you are entertained by Harry Connick, Jr and his orchestra.
After lunch, every ride you’ve chosen is closed to ordinary people and filled with professional Hollywood ‘seat fillers’ from the Oscars to simulate that ‘All American’ experience.
Your children will be entertained by Justin Bieber who will also choreograph a part for them in his next video.
At the aquatic section they will name the first born seal after you.

Stratification never felt so good but I’ll see the rest of you in line next to that screaming baby.