The increase in portion size is directly linked to an increase in obesity in the U.S. Duh!

The ‘Calorie Control Council’, an international association representing the low- and reduced-calorie food and beverage industry (A real council) reports that the average American will consume more than 4,500 calories and enough fat to make three sticks of butter on Thanksgiving Day. When they discovered this fact they ran outside and threw up. When they came to their senses, they then realized that if those Americans could sell the three sticks of butter they would make enough money to buy more food for thanksgiving.

The ‘Eat All You Want and Screw Those Other Guys Council’ (EAYWSTOGC) (Not a real council) vehemently opposed any limitations on an American’s right to veg out and get fat during the holiday season. They rolled out a menu that will enable the American eater to stay ahead of the obesity curve. “We’re all going to get there someday, so WTF” said a representative of the council in between bites of a large slice of pumpkin pie smothered in lard, “Hey, it’s the holidays” he said wiping his chin, “I’ll join a gym in January.”

On the other side of the plate…..

PETA, in association with the FAFC (Farmers against Food Cruelty) have released a Thanksgiving dinner sure to please even the most hardcore food zealot. It’s comprised of green things you would not touch even if you had too much to drink. “Tofurky is not the answer” they said, (See previous story) “Eating tofu is just as bad as killing an innocent turkey animal” said the press release. “Tofu, also known as bean curd, is a food made by coagulating soy milk and then pressing it into soft white blocks so it looks edible.

The curd is ripped from the bean and stuffed into boxes by workers who will have to leave the country soon. They don’t care how they manhandle those innocent beans or its curd. Beans have feelings too. Let’s not forget all the potatoes who have died to produce your mashed potato dish. Potatoes have eyes, you have eyes, HellOOOOOoooo.

The typical holiday meal is full of components that deceive. Don’t let anyone tell you that ‘stuffing’ is just bread. Have you read the label of ingredients? Can you pronounce them? Probably not, because you’re too busy eating.

Black Friday was conceived by marketers as a day to get you out of the house and exercise your God given right to get into debt by purchasing more things and moving just enough to build an appetite. Welcome to the holidays.