The president erect will tote two bibles to his inauguration because when the first one bursts into flame they’ll have a back-up. “It happened once before at a deposition and I’m not taking any chances” he said, “Just stand back when I repeat the words to the best of my ability”.

At his press conference he made mention of the stack of papers on the table next to the podium, “These papers are all just a piece of the many, many companies that are being put into a trust to be run by my two sons” He said, and wouldn’t let anyone (press) look at them.

The table-full of folders laden with fresh unused paper will be donated to Ripley’s believe it or Not museum in Times Square. (How could you dispute the fact that there were no tabs visible, paper wasn’t legal size and the folders were unmarked?

In order to show that he’s saving taxpayer funds for the inauguration, Trump has offered to underwrite the entire proceedings and seek those who would offer their services for free. A local motorcycle club, Clint Eastwood and some out of work KKK members have stepped up to help provide security and will gracefully ‘show out’ anyone who speaks up in opposition.

Prices have been slashed for the weekend at any Trump property in Washington DC and countrywide including the Lincoln bedroom. “Stay for the entire inaugural festivities and enjoy a free up-graded breakfast buffet. Remember”, he said, “consuming raw or under-cooked meats, seafood or unsubstantiated Tweets may increase your risk of illness and/or depression. Oh, and my administration may contain nuts.”