We blend fact and fiction in the “How much money do they really need department?’

Walmart sounds the fiscal alarm!

Walmart said for the first time, a day ahead of a decisive Washington D.C. Council vote, that it will abandon plans for at least three stores to be built if a proposal requiring it to pay a “living wage” becomes law.

“We’ll pay them just enough to get to work and back” said a spokesperson for the multi-billion dollar company. “The next thing those employees will expect is a potty break too. WTF.”

A team of Wal-Mart public relations executives and lobbyists exited their limos each with a bulging briefcase and entered the John A. Wilson Building delivering the news to the D.C. Council members and other officials they hoped to influence.

Walmart is the world’s largest company based on revenue with almost $422 billion (2010) in annual sales but is only in the top ten of corporations that constantly whine to Congress that they pay too much in taxes.

‘Profits over People.’
Coincidentally, Walmart had just rolled out a new slogan for their mega-empire. “We needed a phrase that would tell our story in just a few words” said a spokesperson for the 6 heirs to the Walmart fortune whose wealth is equal to the combined net worth of the bottom 40 percent of Americans.

“These figures shouldn’t mean a whole lot to the average person,” he said. “They put their pants on ‘one leg at a time’ just like most Americans. Of course, they don’t purchase those pants at Walmart either.”

Alex Barron, a regional general manager for Wal-Mart U.S., wrote in a Washington Post op-ed piece that the proposed wage requirement “would clearly inject unforeseen costs into the equation that will create an uneven playing field and treat our employees like human beings. I don’t see how we can do that.”

The bill as currently written would require retailers with corporate sales of a billion dollars or more and operating in spaces 75,000 square feet or larger to pay their employees no less than $12.50 an hour.

The District’s current minimum wage is $8.25.

“Culatello!” said the Walmart heirs after reading the terse statement given to them by their $1200 an hour lawyers. They would have said ‘baloney’ but were too out of touch with reality to know the difference.