It’s holiday time; the worst time for a diet, but I wouldn’t worry because today’s not the day to start one. Enjoy yourself. New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to make up your mind. Yes, after a few drinks, why not make that solemn promise to yourself in the form of a resolution that you’ll start eating smarter, exercise and swear off all those foods with added sugar. That resolution will last until the day you say “Now where’s that high fructose corn syrup I’m addicted to?”

 

If we can’t wear a shirt tucked in our pants, don’t think of it as a fashion trend; we’re fat!

 

It seems that the latest problem du jour is obesity and the solution du jour is to go to court and sue everyone. Sue the snack maker, the fast food chain, the butcher, the baker and the soft drink maker. And while we’re at it, sue mom. Didn’t she tell us to eat everything on our plate?

 

The only ones we don’t sue for our obesity is ourselves! I guess we just don’t have the money these other people do. If we did, we would sue ourselves. I could hear the court argument now.

 

Your honor, I’d like to ask myself a question. What was going through my mind when I saw that cheesecake? I picked up that cheesecake, I ate that cheesecake, but it wasn’t my fault. No, Sara Lee made it look too good. Those frozen cherries pushed me over the edge.

It tempted me and I knew I shouldn’t have eaten it. But it looked so good! That’s why I’m seeking compensation from myself of $40 million dollars.

 

Why is it always someone else’s fault when we trip on the sidewalk, burn ourselves with the coffee, or eat a whole pizza?

Somebody’s got to do something!

And someone is! Kraft; makers of Chips Ahoy Cookies, Oscar Mayer Wieners and Nabisco Crackers.

They want to limit the portions to more ‘healthy’ levels. Their idea of portion size is a miniscule bit of something I want more of!

 

Let’s be real. When did 2 cookies ever constitute a serving size?

What’s in them that’s so bad?

 

Snack food makers have guidelines for the nutritional characteristics of all products. Remember when a cookie was made of flour, butter, milk, sugar and eggs? Nowadays try pronouncing the ingredients. It’s like looking at a new car engine and trying to identify the carburetor.

 

Kraft wants to trim down obesity in America by identifying the ideal serving size for some of their products like Mallomars, Nutter Butter and what about Milk Bone Dog Biscuits? How in hell does Milk Bone belong in that category?

I’m sure when they put a cap on the portion size of single-serve packages they’re not going to lower the price too! Manufacturers have been downsizing snack foods for years yet keeping outside package size the same. So do you really believe some settling of contents may occur during shipping. No way!

 

Once they get rolling, there’s no telling where it’s going to stop. I can’t explain to Jake whu his dog treats are 15% smaller. He doesn’t want to know. He, like us doesn’t want some skinny stranger to dictate how much we should or shouldn’t eat! In the end, it’s up to us, we the snackers of the United States, so I’m calling on you now to help me form G.U.L.P. Give Us Larger Portions!

 

Instead of retooling the Mallomar line, just ask us to not eat the last bite. Trust us!