In a press release, Secretary of State John Kerry said, “In a change of strategy, the US government will ‘do a 180’ in regard to Syrian strikes.

We’re telling Syria to get rid of its chemical weapons and that’s like asking John Boehner to not tear up at a Reince Priebus ‘call for action.’ It’s not gonna work.

Army Gen. Keith Alexander, the NSA director and head of U.S. Cyber Command said “Instead of using up our rockets, we’ll drop tens of thousands of X Boxes, Nintendos and other video games attached to tiny parachutes and embed them with subliminal messages.

We figure that Assad’s troops and the young people of Syria will pick them up and travel to either Turkey or Lebanon where they have WiFi. That will eliminate much of the fighting force.

We’ve implanted messages like, ‘Assad is a dodo’; ‘if you find a bathroom, wash your hands after using’ and ‘don’t forget to vote for the next Syrian Idol’.

We’re hoping these messages will take their mind off of the fighting and back to the life they never had in the first place.

We’ll also ship copies of ‘William Shatner sings Liza Minelli favorites’ to the rebel forces. When they start playing that from speakers, people will naturally ‘run for the exits’ and give up the fight just like we did.”