Here’s my list of holiday presents. These are gifts I wouldn’t even open if I knew that a BOGO for Cheez-Its was in the package. I know it’s a little too late to be giving reviews of holiday gifts but I thought we’d move the process into the middle of January because by now, we’ve assessed the more irrelevant of them and made the decision to throw them into a blazing inferno because no one in their right mind would utilize or re-gift them.
My first choice would have to be the self-stirring mug. It’s the best gift for the laziest person you know. Everyone gets coffee mugs gifted but this takes the toil out of actually stirring the cup. Even if you think adding sugar and cream first before the coffee goes in will mix it up, you’ve been doing it wrong for all these years. The tiny propeller at the bottom of the cup does all the work. If you don’t mind making an effort to locate the miniscule switch to turn it on, you’ve got a winner.
Directions for Self-Stirring mug. ‘This self-stirring cup is the best way to stir and take your coffee. Simply press the self–stirring button on the mug and the propeller at the bottom will spin into action, mixing the solute and solvent particles into a lovely froth. …
If you like your solute and solvent particles quickly mixed, this is the gift for you. Why bother picking up those heavy spoons. Just insert 2 triple A batteries, which will cost more than the cup is worth, and you’ve got a working propeller that could be de-installed and used by hamsters to propel a tiny paper hat boat.
The second gift is the golf game Potty Putter which comes with 2 golf balls, 1 putter, 1 putting green (that wraps around your toilet), and 1 hold with a flag. Why just sit ‘n shit?
As you try to avert your gaze from a smiling actor sitting on the pot with his pants around his ankles you wonder why this cute little device hasn’t caught fire as the go-to gift for idiots. A poor putter would lose that ball beyond the reach of the tiny plastic club and the game is over. Think of the frustration of trying to do two things at once.
Our third gift is from the same company so don’t expect too much. The picture on the box shows an obviously grown man using a small plastic child’s fishing pole to either add a fish or having just ‘caught’ one, attempt to release it back into its habitat. How much time you spend on this valuable pursuit is up to you but you’ll never get yanked from your reverie by people pounding on the door because included with this nifty time waster is a door hanger which states fishing game in progress. That’ll show them!
