Assurances from legislators beholden to the gun industry, that more guns in public will alleviate the random acts of mass killing in our streets has been thoroughly debunked. Despite this fact, Disney and other theme parks initiated new protocols at their park entrances.

In a press release from Bob Calendrine, security ‘mouse’ at Disneyworld, character photographs will now be taken as you enter the park. Pictures taken at the entrance will be mandatory for all guests entering the Magic Kingdom, Calendrine said. “The only difference will be a quick pat down by the characters themselves in a fun, comedic way as they jockey for position during the photo op.

Snow White’s dwarfs will be utilized to check children and the taller characters like Horace Horsecollar and Clarabelle Cow will ‘do’ the adults” said Calendrine.

You will be asked to sign a disclaimer to protect the park in case the bulge in your pants Goofy found and asked you to ‘step aside’ for additional screening, is natural and not a weapon of some kind. Cinderella will then ‘Magic Wand’ each guest selected and cheerfully sends you on your way. If you are found to have any banned items, you will be sent to a sound proofed room full of screaming children for a couple hours of ‘Enchanted Tales with Belle’ until you promise to follow the rules.

Additionally, a number of ‘Plutos’ will be stationed around the grounds to sniff random guests for traces of explosives or raw meat and piss on the offending person’s leg thus notifying guards that either the person is a terrorist or is smuggling lunch into the park.

The ‘Happiest Place on Earth’ slogan will be changed to “The Happiest Place to get groped by Goofy”