Taking a page from Pope Francis’ more moderate stances, Iranian President Hasan Rouhani will address the U.N. hoping to position himself to the ‘immediate’ right of Attila the Hun and to the ‘left’ of Pat Robertson.

“I’m not that ‘far right’ like some of my predecessors. Ahmajinedad was like the Glenn beck of Iran. I’m the Chris Matthews.

Also my beard is shorter than most of the guys on Swamp People” he said, “Not to worry.”

He’ll distribute bouquets of flowers to each delegate and then lead them outside to a nearby Starbucks and with fully half of his per diem cash, treat them all to any coffee or tea on the menu.

“When Rouhani tweeted Jews worldwide a Shanah Tovah at the onset of the Jewish New Year, we thought WTF? But as long as he doesn’t have invasion plans, he’s OK” said a delegate from Israel.

During a tour of Manhattan Rouhani said, “While I’m here I’d like to buy some grey satin sheets” although his interpreter caused a little stir when it came out, “I’d like you to fry, you ‘great Satan’ you.”

In a press release about the interpreter’s punishment, Rouhani mentioned that he “Will be able to “keep his tongue, although it will be in a jar. Hey, just kidding. In the old days, we would just feed it to the dogs.”

“Part of our diplomatic mission here is to right any wrongs that we’ve incurred and that includes paying for thousands of parking tickets we have accumulated over the years in New York City. We know this pisses a lot of people off, but we’ll make it right. Besides, those penalties were sure adding up.”