The Department of Health and Human Service’s new strategic plan defines life as beginning at conception as opposed to the widely accepted WHEN THE BABY IS BORN!

“HHS accomplishes its mission through programs and initiatives that cover a wide spectrum of activities, serving and protecting Americans at every stage of life, beginning at conception,” reads the draft plan.

It was then adjusted to read “And when the child is physically born, they shall not enjoy the privilege of hospitalization, other types of health care, mental health care or post-natal care of any type if the parent or parents are living under the poverty level, are black, brown, red or any color or nationality other than of white northern European descent and can trace their lineage back to the revolutionary war.”

After glancing at the proposal, Vice President Pence opined “Actually, when a man, and only a man, looks at a woman with what could appear to be lust in his eyes, or even a glint that could be interpreted as any type of immoral relationship even if it’s accidental like if eyes meet on a bus for example, that’s when conception begins. If we have to employ psychics to enforce the law, then so be it” he said.

He went on, “Before the actual contact of sp#*m and e*g, and I don’t even say those ‘words’ out loud because hell is full of people who have spoken of forbidden things, there’s an implied connection that’s so unholy that I can’t even think of it during the daylight hours when my wife is out of the room.

My secretary Robert, because there are no women in my office since my wife can’t stay with me all the time, told me he doesn’t even glance at women whether they’re married or not. In fact, Robert told me confidentially, he sometimes looks at me and I think it’s because he doesn’t dare look at a woman when I’m around. He’s such a good dresser, always prompt and courteous. He even offered to re-do my stodgy office which hasn’t been renovated since Spiro got kicked out. I Like Robert.