Warning: this article contains ‘alternate facts’.

In 2017, seems like centuries ago to those keeping tabs on the Bull-Shit-O-Meter’.

Ivanka Trump, after being told Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus and TJ Maxx would no longer carry her clothing and jewelry lines, due to poor sales, called on Kellyanne Conway, the purveyor in chief of alternate facts, to hawk her clothing lines.

Conway was speaking from the White House briefing room when she told Fox News that people should “go buy Ivanka’s stuff.” (Real news) She added, “Not a little stuff; a shitload of stuff” to counteract the clothing ban. “It’s not a ‘ban’ she said. “It was an alternate fact that the clothes weren’t selling. What proud American would not want to wear a solid gold dog whistle with the Trump insignia, 2 tiny hands around the throat of an immigrant?” for only a low $229.95?

Her father Tweeted out “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by Nordstrom. She is a great person — always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!”

Damn the syntax! He has finally admitted that he doesn’t ‘do the right thing’ but would if goaded by his daughter, you know, the one that “Perhaps I would ‘date” if he wasn’t her father.

Ivanka then announced a new Valentine’s Day line.

“My designer roses will win her over. Don’t worry about the cost. There’s no interest and 4 years to pay. It’s the best rose, the most magnificent rose, and I’m not bragging like you know who” she said. “I know all the good roses. And our greeting cards have got more lace, bigger hearts and better words than any other Valentine cards. There’s more sentiment packed into each card. The hyperbole alone will win over even the most hardened hater. See Kellyanne for details.”