President Obama said that federal agencies should plan to spend $100 million to jump start an effort to map the human brain. Their first step is to find a viable brain in Washington so they can get started.
Republicans in Congress immediately cried ‘Foul’ when they realized that they would not be included in the project. “We need to be included” said Representative Todd Akin R-Mo. “If we don’t have a map of the human brain, how will we find out where the actual thinking parts is?”
House Speaker John Boehner immediately stepped up and offered his brain for research, “When the time comes” he tearfully added. “I’ll take it now” Harry Reid D-NV laughed, ‘I don’t want to wait”
The current administration said it would be happy to have the republicans donate their brains. “There won’t be much of a difference in the intelligence around here” a White House spokesperson smirked, “but they probably could donate at least a portion of their brain if they could only get it out of their ass.”
“The brain project is a bold new research effort to revolutionize our understanding of the human mind. For example, we need to find out why men will never ask for directions, yet drive aimlessly for hours looking for their destination.”
How a brain weighs the pros and cons of a decision is crucial.
When a man’s brain goes from ‘I’m just watching the game today honey’ to ‘OK, show me that leaky pipe under the sink’, it can take his thought processes on a journey through a trillion synapse clicks and neural transmissions. Sometimes it simply takes a good looking woman walking by to unlock the secrets of why men’s brains simply ‘go blank’.
Any new scientific advances and breakthroughs will either require that 100 million dollars be spent and sequestration be damned or just hook up ten guys to electroencephalographs, give them an unlimited supply of beer and pole dancers and watch as the needle on the graphs dance to the music.
We won’t learn much, but it’ll be more fun than trying to balance the budget.