The US military has suspended 34 officers in charge of launching nuclear missiles for cheating on a proficiency test.

Also, the country’s nuclear arsenal might be in the hands of soldiers on drugs. The scandal at Malmstrom Air Force Base in Montana included a separate illegal drug probe.

“If we had gay weddings in the missile silos, it would be a perfect trifecta for the tabloids” said a spokesperson for Secretary of Defense Chuck ‘Charles’ Hagel.

“Look, it was either drugs or incompetence, not both” said General James ‘Jimmy snake eyes’ Gladstone, morale officer at Malmstrom Air Force Base. “And if we find they were actually on drugs while taking the proficiency tests, they’re out!

The test included such questions as, “If you were underground and cut off from civilization for months at a time, would you A, feel as if the world were closing in on you, B, Think about why you didn’t join the Navy or C, Want to kill the duty sergeant.

If you think that underground duty will conflict with your social life you would A, Wink at your bunk mate, B, Ask for an extra ration of saltpeter, C, Want to kill the duty sergeant

“If you were on duty and a nuclear emergency were called, which drug would best ease the horror, A, an upper, B, a downer, C, anything you could get your hands on, D, Just kill the duty sergeant.

Hagel’s office called the cheating “absolutely unacceptable behavior” but insisted that the nuclear weapons had been safe all along if they weren’t on meth or some other ‘speedy’ drug.

We’re close to Colorado where pot is legal, he said, so we think that getting a supply of ‘decent weed’ for the troops will help calm them down. Or so I’ve heard”, he winked.