The International Association for the Evaluation of Educational Achievements released exam results from 2011.

East Asian countries occupied the upper tiers as they outperformed their U.S counterparts.

“18 hours of homework a day” said Kimoto Nagani, Education Minister for the Shanghai school district. “That was our edge.”

The study also showed the nervous breakdown rate of Asian students far exceeded anyone else in the world with students burned out as young as 5 years of age.

Although many American students had the questions beforehand through the ‘Hack-A Test’ website, they failed the portion which included filling out and correctly spelling ‘your name, address and current student status.’

It also found American students tend to perform worse in achievement tests as they age which is why 11 year olds have to show their parents how their phone works.

American students tested in the top 5 percentile in speed texting, knowledge of top reality shows and ‘hangin’ out on social media.’

They also excelled in ‘speed posting’ which is posting a relevant tidbit regarding their school mates on Instagram, Snapchat or Kik even before the person being posted about realizes what happened.

“The world is speeding along faster and faster so what’s the sense of releasing results 3 years later?” said a spokesperson for the IAEEA.

“2011 is the stone age as far as we’re concerned. Half the material is as dated as yesterday’s newest app.”