A spokeswoman for the US Food and Drug Administration (Motto: Go ahead and eat it, it won’t kill you) said that consumers of fish ‘shouldn’t be concerned’ about new disclosures of radioactive water leaking into the Pacific Ocean near the site of the Fukushima nuclear plant in japan.

This is similar to their caveat about not using open flames around your water faucet if ‘fracking’ has occurred in your neighborhood.

The plant, which is located on an active fault line at the ocean’s edge, was created by the same people who engineered the Yugo, produced ‘new Coke’ and the Tamagotchi.

The U.S. F&D Administration may have taken notice because lately, tuna fish cans have been glowing on supermarket shelves. “Not to worry” they say. “Mayonnaise tends to cleanse radiation with a temporary protective coating if not left out in the sun too long.”

“There is a ‘relatively minimal’ amount of radioactive material flowing into the ocean” said a senior scientist from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute.

‘Shouldn’t be concerned’ and ‘relatively minimal’ are not phrases that make one feel secure around radiation. Would a ‘relatively minimal’ amount of radiation produce a ‘relatively small’ glow around one on a moonless night?

We all share the oceans and what’s the half-life of radioactive material?

Tokyo Electric Power Co. (TEPCO) has to deal with the problem of storing hundreds of thousands of tons of radioactive water from the Fukushima plant, but has come up with a novel solution. Since small amounts of the water don’t seem to be a problem, they are selling souvenir bottles for 150 yen. It can also be used as an inexpensive nightlight or to rid your yard of stubborn crabgrass.

Slumping Tokyo restaurants are fishing for ways to re-brand themselves in the wake of the news.

New menu items include the ‘Glo-Worm Roll’, the ‘Franken-Brine’ Roll and ‘Pardon-Me-For-Polluting-The-Earth roll.

“The answer is to simply extend the wall we’re going to build on the Tex-Mex border all the way up the coast of California,” said Clyde Buche’ R-Tex “The bad water will ‘slide’ down to South America, along their coast until it gets to the South Pole and freezes. It’s too cold down there for radiation to exist, don’tcha know.

We got this information from the people who produce the books on evolution that we use in the Lone Star State. They’re on top of it.”