Florida’s Governor Scott to launch new ‘voter purge’

Starting with the letter ‘A’ and running rough-shod through the alphabet Governor Scott said he will eliminate all Democrats from the registered voter rolls. Just kidding, said a spokesperson for the Governor’s office. “It’s only every other letter.”

“This is America and I’m going to make sure that only people with real American names have the opportunity to vote in my next election.” Scott said, “That means anyone whose name I can’t pronounce will be purged.

Also anyone who has had arroz con pollo for dinner more than 2 times a week, anyone who has ever voted after church on a Sunday and anyone who has a tan in the winter.”
It’s going to take a lot of effort by my staff, but our friend Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan said for every name we purge, he’ll sent a small cheese pizza to a needy family. I’m ruling out tourists, of course.”

“We’ll cut it into 10 or 12 pieces for those large Hispanic families. We’ll do that for them.” Monaghan said.

Just one year ago Scott’s ‘purge’ was full of errors and found few ineligible voters. We’ll make an exception for our Canadian visitors, said Scott. “They look like us, sound like us and spend their tourist dollars with us. We’d like to ‘give back’ by letting them dip their toe in some Florida politics.”

Miami-Dade Elections Supervisor Penelope Townsley mentioned that “anyone who is not a U.S. citizen should not be able to cast a ballot.” She added, “However dead voters are like a tradition here and we’ll allow a certain number of them to cast ballots. Just produce a current Florida driver’s license.”

Scott’s top elections official, Secretary of State Ken Detzner, is creating a new list of suspected non-citizen voters by cross-checking state voter data with American Express and its Centurion Card, aka The Black Card with an annual spending minimum of $250,000. “If they’re not on that list, they’re toast!” said Detzner, “And I don’t mean champagne.”