They will be on ‘probation’ for 3 years, continue to pretend to cooperate with the government investigation and pay the maximum fine of $200,000.
“That’s not bad” said a spokesperson, “We blow that on a breakfast buffet for senior management.” And as far as ‘probation’, we’ll send an intern to see the probation officer every single week, or until we can bring that person to the ‘dark side’ whichever comes first.”
In a rebuttal to the charges he read a statement which said, in part, “We’re sure the government doesn’t mean ‘destroying human life’, at least not right away. For the most part they’re talking about fish and other wildlife. And that doesn’t count.”
In a press release, Halliburton said it made a $55 million “voluntary contribution” to the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation. “Cleaning up the oily fish and getting them back into the food chain will help feed America, and that’s a good thing.”
“I’m glad that part is over with” said the executive in charge of cover ups. “We’re wasting a lot of time hiding these things from view when we could be out there making money at other people’s expense.”
You may not realize the cost of concealing and suppressing evidence. Sometimes it brings ebidahm (Earnings before interest depreciation amortization and hush money) down to an ‘unworkable’ figure.
“Despite voluminous evidence, we certainly don’t want to be seen as the international pariah that we are. PR was supposed to handle that but someone dropped the ball.” That person is now in charge of holding the cap on whatever wells go blooey in the future.
“BP should be totally culpable in the spill and we know that because that’s what our lobbyists tell us.”
Halliburton and BP have blamed each other for the cement job that failed to seal the pesky Macondo well. “Our cement has worked well in numerous water related applications. Just ask any mob boss. No further comment and have a good day.”