This coming rainy season will bring a large numbers of mosquitoes which are the size of quarters and about as heavy, to our uncovered arms and legs. Yes, Noah should have swatted them!
Florida is nature’s perfect incubator for pests. We’ve had it with huge snakes, sharks, alligators, snakehead fish that jump into boats and rogue politicians. Let’s add the gallinipper mosquito to the mix, the largest biting mosquito in the United States.
Their eggs can remain dormant in the earth for years like zombies until heavy waters help hatch them. By then they’ll be so ticked off at being underground, that like a thirsty zombie/vampire, they’ll swarm to blood. Your blood. This, of course will spawn a new reality show ‘Zombie Mosquitos of South Beach’ It will rocket to number 1 on the Bravo Channel, knocking off ‘Housewives of Miami-Dade with Time on their Hands and Silicone on their Chest’
Insect repellants will not work unless you actually stun them with a direct hit with the can and then stomp them back into the soil before they come to. The species, like a pack of lobbyists, is notoriously aggressive and has a painful bite that can go through clothing or any meaningful legislation.
The Gainesville Sun reported they are expected to travel to South Florida this summer disguised as Canadians. We can drive up to the Kissimmee exit on the Turnpike and repel them with smudge pots filled with Avon’s new Skin So Soft bug spray line. This may be our only chance.
“It is quite capable of biting through my shirt and, on occasion make a dent in Kevlar” University of Florida entomologist Philip Kaufman said. “We suggest people wear long-sleeve shirts, pants, and carry small bats for protection. Thank God for the ‘Stand your ground’ law, we are now able to swat at and hopefully kill one or two.

“Remember,” say the experts, “when you hear an annoying droning sound and feel a little prick by your skin, it’s a lobbyist. Just swat wildly at the air and they’ll go away.”