Flying has been a bigger pain since the airlines are using all their wiles to turn the flying public into as many ‘revenue streams’ as possible. Want a blanket? Want a snack? Want extra oxygen? All you do is swipe your credit card. I won’t mention the particular airline by name but it rhymes with zoo-nited.
Here’s the typical inflight announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Seat belts are standard on all our flights. That’s about it.
At this time, we request that all mobile phones, pagers, radios and remote controlled intimate toys be turned off for the full duration of the flight, as these items might interfere with the navigational and communication equipment on this aircraft and possibly turn on the crew. As you’re putting these devices away, take out your credit card and stand by for further instructions.
You may opt for seats with more leg room for a small fee if they are available. We call it ‘swipe and stretch’
Please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. If the bin above your seat is full, just swipe your credit -card and we’ll remove any un-swiped baggage and replace it with yours. We call it ‘swipe and stow’
If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read the special instructions card located by your seat. To exit the aircraft in the fastest manner, swipe your card and get priority access to the chute. We call it ‘swipe and slide’
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by law however, for an additional fee you may chew tobacco and utilize a small spittoon. We call it ‘Swipe and spit’
If there is a loss of cabin pressure those with credit cards will see an oxygen mask drop in front of you. For the rest, this could be the opportunity to see how long you can hold your breath. Think of it as a competition with your fellow travelers.
A life vest is located in a pouch under your seat. For those whose credit cards are maxxed out at this time, just assume the ‘bracing position’ and try to kiss your ass good-bye.