If the Indians who helped the Pilgrims get through the winter, were vegans, we’d be eating tofurky (Faux turkey) on Thanksgiving. Luckily, this was not the case. (Just because you can shape it like a real turkey, oh never mind)

I’m not slamming tofu but don’t you owe it to yourself to stow the gluten free low sugar farm raised grass fed and cage free regimen for that one day when America gets together and shovels in more food than they eat in Canada all year?

Is it true that the Food and Drug Administration meets to re-adjust the obesity statistics on the day after Thanksgiving? No, but it feels that way doesn’t it? Did the English colonists seeking freedom cross an ocean in a small boat with no concierge service just to get away from British food? I wonder if it were the Chinese who inhabited America instead of the Indians, we’d enjoy a feast and then be hungry an hour later? Indians introduced the settlers to turkey but what if they couldn’t catch them (The turkeys, not the settlers) and they offered rabbit instead? Stovetop Stuffing would go out of business.

These are questions that need answers, but first would you pass just a sliver of each of the 7 pies everyone brought that we’ve all been ogling throughout the meal. Oh, and by the way, would you also pass some of that fat free Reddi-Wip®? (5 calories per serving and absolutely no food value at all but who cares) If you can completely cover that pie with Reddi-Wip® you’ll not only be the envy of everyone one who can’t push themselves away from the table, but you can induct yourself into the ‘Help, I’ve eaten and I can’t Get Up’ hall of fame.

Thanksgiving is a great American tradition and it means so much to us. The tradition is to overeat, swear off food in the foreseeable future and fall asleep in your chair while watching the Detroit Lions. It’s the day tryptophan replaces melatonin as your sleep aid of choice. Some of us choose ‘liberally sauced’ egg nog, but you’ve got to drink a lot of it.

It’s the holiday that keeps on giving; especially our pants. Sansa-belt slacks (Without belts) are the pant of choice in my home during the holidays. We wouldn’t have it any other way. Sitting down at the table in a bathrobe would be a lot easier, but the family picture would look like we’re all getting ready for bed. If we walk away from a Thanksgiving dinner and could still find room we haven’t fulfilled our mission.

We seat 12 people at a table meant for 8 and then urge them to eat so much they can’t get up and move around the chairs and out of the room. Immediately after Thanksgiving dinner we’re like a pack of zombies with glazed eyes roaming the halls.

The Indians never had these problems. They grew what they needed and ate until full. There were no gyms in those days so people would simply live life.