The bucket list is a phenomenon that came about when baby boomers started realizing they had not done all the things they wanted to do. What about the things they never wanted to do?

This is my un-bucket List:

I will never start a column with the words ‘Before I die’

I will never send a picture of my lunch on Facebook

Never ‘un-friend’ a psychotic serial killer from my neighborhood

I will never walk close to the everglades during python season carrying a pet Chihuahua

Never tell someone who has had a few cafecitos to ‘slow down’

Never turn down Novocain to impress the dental assistant

Not paint my body and go shirtless to a football game in January

And never go bowling on ‘Shirtless Tuesday’

I will never buy a ‘bogo’ I don’t need simply because it’s a ‘bogo’

After drinking heavily I will never get a tattoo to ‘join the crowd’

Never get stuck in an elevator with Donald Trump

Never wear a skin tight bicycle suit

Never wear a skin tight bicycle suit in Miami in August

Will never reject gluten in any form at least until I ‘break out’

Never shop for shoes anywhere but DSW

Never join the JV bomb defusal team

Never jump from a perfectly good plane

Never bungee jump (See above)

Never get so close to a tornado that I can get a great picture

Never try to drag race a small car with a loud muffler

Never assume the person behind me will stop when the light turns yellow

Never watch a reality show with self-centered ‘wives’

Never try to yodel on a bet after a couple of drinks

Never take bagpipe lessons

Never pick up a Rubik’s Cube that is not ‘finished’

Never swing into a body of water from a tree at low tide

Never take lessons in ‘fire spitting’

Never join the Polar Bear club

Never write another column with so many ‘nevers’